Being Judgemental Held Me Back
I’m writing my first blog post!
I am stretched out on the sofa with the laptop on my lap, at 4:56am attempting to write my first blog post. As a physio I know this is the worst possible way to sit and type. My neck will have to forgive me while my brain attempts this task I have set. Where did this writer’s block come from? Where did it start? Why has it grown into this big thing for me? Why am I so judgemental about my writing? Sitting here and reflecting on this now I realise the block is my own product. My self-judgement and comparing myself to others has held me back. I have been telling myself for years that I am not good enough at English to write and this is not even based on any facts as I have not produced a piece of writing for a blog before! Do you guys do this too?
Where did all this judgment come from?
When thinking about it now, my judgements about my writing abilities probably started when I was in High School. English was not my strongest subject, I would hope for a C+ at best (back in the day of School-C and Bursary) and before that in Primary school I had difficulties with spelling, I still do. Not in a dyslexic kind of way, I have the thought that I just need to slow down a bit and take more care. And so I decided a long time ago I wasn’t a languages person and so haven’t taken the kind of care, mindfulness, awareness and practice that is required to be good at something.
It is funny the stories we tell ourselves and how they manifest in later life. My mum still to this day sends me messages about my spelling or grammar on my FB or Insta posts telling me to correct things. Just the other day I had read through a post 3 times to look for errors. I thought I had it all perfect and spelling mistake free. But alas not, I got a text from mum saying “fix”, with the fix ready for me to transpose (she always includes the fix). I love her for doing this for me. And this also reinforces my silly thought that I am not good at writing. On paper it sounds ridiculous that I have turned a spelling mistake into I AM NOT GOOD AT WRITING. Insane.
Thinking that you are not good enough is just thinking, it is not a fact. Being judgmental about yourself, comparing yourself to others, allowing what others think of you, or what you may think they think about you or what you are doing, is detrimental for growth. It is a recipe for a small safe life.
Embrace Courage and Act Fearlessly
Why did I let this fear dictate my actions for so long? The thought of “what will other people think?” – is this really the way we should be living our lives? Should we really be making calls on what WE do, based on our perception of what others will think of us? Hell no! As I write this now it seems very silly to me that I have been thinking this way when it comes to writing down thoughts and starting a blog. I would never have left the house, and tried boxing 15 years ago if I based all my decisions on the perceptions of others. I would never have become “Boxer Lex”. Our history shapes us. I had a long history with spelling issues so told myself I wasn’t good at writing, whereas I had no history with the sport of boxing and just gave it a go.
I think it is really important for each one of us to take some time to deconstruct why we think the way we think about something. Ask yourself why you think that way, ask yourself what shaped your thinking, so that you will have a deeper understanding which may help you overcome an perceived block.
My advice to myself, and to you, is “embrace courage and act fearlessly in all aspects of life”.